It amazes my how things happen at certain times. Just the other day I got to thinking about anorexia, and I realized that once again I’m out of the phase of purposely starving. I eat when I get hungry. “It just went away” I remember thinking. I was hired at a new job and things started getting better in other areas of my life and I am not focused on eating a certain amount of food. I have other things that my focus is focused on. Anyway at work last night and interesting convo about me came from no where. I work at a restaurant. I usually work from 5 until 10 or 11 if I do dinners. Most of the time I eat before work. So yesterday this busser whom I don’t even talk too starts meddling in my business. He asks me if I want something to eat like a salad and I say no. Then I see one of the managers and she says “So and so is concerned that you don’t eat” HUH. I’m confused. There is no time at night when everyone gathers around together to eat. Frankly, I didn’t even know I could eat until recently! I’m carfule about avoiding food around groups of people because I’m small and ppl love to get suspicious about why you are so small. (BTW SMALL PEOPLE DON’T just eat salads!!!!!! A salad isn’t even filling to me. I need meat!) So the manager precedes to say that she is always asking if I want something.(I don’t recall her always doing this but whatever.) Then she says:
“Are you hungry?”
“No” she looks at me weird and says
“Who are you?!”
HUH?? who am I . I’m not an alien. I know where this convo was going. I know because the manager is in her twenties like me, big boned and I can see it in her eyes. I probably made the mistake of looking down with my eyes instead of giving her a challenging stare directly into her pupils.
“Is that why you’re so skinny? Because you don’t eat?”
“No”
I am naturally skinny. I am skinnier now because I don’t eat enough because my body is getting use to food but I do eat! Every time I hear that it makes me feel like the progress I have made is not progress at all. I’m sick of people who don’t know my history telling me I don’t eat! Maybe I don’t eat enough but I’m trying and by declaring that what I do eat is nothing at all is negative reinforcement.
and then she laughs… I’m not sure why or what caused here to laugh but it unnerved me.
This convo caught me off guard and the fact that she mentioned it to me means she is going to mention it to the other manager…i’m sure of it.. Now people are going to associate me with an ed! I don’t need this. Here’s the thing. I don’t like feeling like I am out of control and that is how I will feel if I feel like I have to eat a work to avoid suspicion. I will end up eating at work but not eating any other time during the day so balance the control. It has always been about control for me and I don’t want people messing with that because it is a trigger. Am I eating enough now? No, but I am eating when I get hungry. It will take a while for my stomach to expand but for eating when my body is hungry is a step forward. I’m upset and embarrassed because I don’t want people to think of me as anorexic or just another skinny girl that doesn’t eat because she wants to be thin. When I work a double shift and people are eating I eat at work why because I am hungry in the middle of the day!! What I don’t do is eat heavy meals at night. I eat before work and a small snack afterwards usually. I don’t need. I’m pretty sure this won’t be the end of this but it needs to be.
