I finally went to the doctor and told her about my anxiety. I have an anxiety disorder. She gave me meds and I feel so much better. I was desperate. Shaking and having trouble breathing when things got too much. I would feel like I was going to faint at work so I took the step. I took a step towards making my life better. I want the rest of my life to be better then it was. I shouldn’t be embarrassed to get help. I have truly come along way in life. From a suicidal 17 year old, to a college student struggling with an eating disorder and SI, I am lucky and thankful for the people that have helped me remain alive and become the adult that I am now. I am thankful to the good Lord that placed these people in my life. I am finally getting somewhere in life and I feel that great things are on the way. These things have shaped me into the person that I am now and allow me to empathize with others. The journey to recovery is long and hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope for Anna.
Oh boy. I can feel a break down coming. At least I can prepare this time.
I spend most of my life wishing and waiting for time to pass
My soul is starving.
”Oh be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Take it from me, I’ve been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you’re still alive
and everything’s wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.” —fun: be Calm
I’ve been really emotional lately… I’m not sure why. I don’t feel depressed at the moment .. I guess I feel empty again. Not in the sad empty way like normally but a hollow way. I feel like there is nothing inside of me anymore, nothing but air. I’m not hopeless or upset I just feel like I reached the end of a road that has lead me to a brick wall. The obvious and only thing to do is to turn around. Things seem pointless but again, not in the hopeless way. I can’t even describe my feelings. Tears are flowing down my cheeks but I don’t feel that ache in the center of my chest like I usually do when I cry. Am I a tinman? Nothing but a frame with a hollow soul. I’ve basically almost given up on my career. Not sure what’s next. I figured that If I focused on other ppl more that would help me feel more valued to society. I plan on filling the holes in my schedule with volunteer work so that I’ll think less of myself and more of others. But why am I crying… and why can’t I attach a feeling to these tears?
this is really selfish but
why can’t mental illness be like any other kind of sickness where you go to hospital and your loved ones come and give you flowers and tell you that they love you and hold your hand and make sure you get better
why doesn’t that happen instead of awkward silences and embarrassing tears and messy bedsheets and a bunch of other stuff no one actually talks about
w h y
I can’t find a single selfish thing in that.
this makes me cry
The people who love me most are the people I push away. The people who want to get to know me are the people I am afraid of hurting. I am afraid of making friends because I know that when people really get to know me they won’t like me as much bc the real me isn’t always smiling or always nice. The real me has issues and no one will want to be friends with the real me because I am not the pretty perfect flower I pretend to be. I wish someone could help me. Talking to people about my feelings is scary because once people hear the truth they will run away from me.SO many times I have told ppl on tumblr that if they need someone to talk to that I am here. People have told me the same thing. But I’m so scared and such a coward. Saying my feelings out loud makes them real and more scary so I just continue to write them. IT’s hard for me to lie in writing. The truth always seems to come out. So here it is:
I’m lonely but its my own fault. I push ppl away so that I don’t have to deal with the rejection when they leave. everyone always ends up leaving.
I’m not a good person. I have bad thoughts all the time
The thing I want most in this world is something that I can’t buy in a store